Fostering: Our story

I first shared this story with our friends and family at a small celebration we gathered for in the fall. It highlights some of the moments that God used to bring us to the point of saying, “yes”, to fostering. 

Early on in our marriage, I remember the future feeling far away. Sure we would dream about the someday, but we were caught up in newlywed life and house projects, and feeling like time hadn’t begun to fly by us yet. But then, six months after our wedding, we were pregnant with Hunter and the realization that our family was growing began to sink in… time had begun to pick up it’s pace.

I remember during this season, we would sit and watch videos of families adopting children, getting on airplanes to pick up their little ones from foreign places. I remember Mike coming home from work to see his pregnant wife crying over you tube clips of families that had just been formed across oceans and bloodlines, and colors and cultures.

It all felt so beautiful to me.

But also impossible, as though they were saying yes to something we would never have the courage to do.

What I didn’t realize then was that a seed was being planted that would take years of watering before green growth would appear. The courage to say yes had not reached maturity within us, but roots were being formed in the soil of our souls.

We became so busy as our family was growing, and what once felt like a far away dream of having more children, was actually happening more quickly! 

And the seed of adoption was being watered all the while, in small but significant ways.

I distinctly remember rocking our daughter to sleep one night,when she was only a few weeks old, and feeling like I had not bonded with her yet, like she was still a bit of a stranger in my arms, even though I had birthed her from my body. In that moment, I remember praying,

God if you can teach me to love her. If you can teach me not to resent the way she needs me. Then I can love any child you give me, whether they grow in my womb or in the womb of another.

Even then, I had the distinct sense that God was using these middle of the night, desperate prayers to grow in me a heart of compassion that would one day be called upon in a bigger way.

He did answer my prayers, with a love and affection for my daughter that is fiercer and stronger than any love I have ever felt, and it confirmed for me the truth. I can choose to love, to mother, even when it is hard.

 A few years went by and our sweet son Landon was born, and as those who know us can attest, he is is our little light and joy. He was born with the sweetest face and the craziest crossed eyes, and I was in love from the start.

And as I took him from one appointment to another during his first year of life, as I searched for the right surgeon to repair his eyes, and for the courage to take our nine month old into the hospital room to fall asleep and wake up with a new perspective, I remember praying,

God if you can give me the strength to fill out forms, and go to appointments, and surrender our sweet son to the operating table, I can mother other children who have needs that feel out of my control.

I could list dozens more of these scenarios, where God was using the life we were already living to prepare us for a future we didn’t know we would be saying yes to.

Fast forward to last year, when my need for having a plan had me plotting out when would be a good time to try for another baby. I kept praying for clarity on the timing of these things, and felt like my thoughts were muddled and that God was asking us to wait.

We attended a marriage retreat in the spring that some friends of ours host each year, and I had planned to give God an ultimatum that weekend. We weren’t leaving the retreat center without an answer on whether or not we should start trying for another biological baby, or begin the process of adoption.

Little did I know that God was actually going to honor my request for clarity, and He was planning to do it quickly. Mike and I stood side by side on our first night there, singing songs about the goodness of God,and my voice caught in my throat, as the thought came to mind, Oh shoot, God’s going to ask us to adopt this weekend. Immediately following that thought, was an overwhelming sense of fear and foreboding, suddenly I didn’t want an answer.

I remember tears forming as I asked God to take my fear. I repeated this mantra over and over, while others were still singing around us, Take my fear, give me faith, take my fear, give me faith, take my fear, give me faith.

A few hours later, Mike and I sat in the hotel room where we were staying, and he asked me what I thought. I told him I thought we needed to make up our minds already. I also told him that I didn’t want to be the locomotive behind this train, if we chose to jump on. This was not going to be my idea that he happily obliged, this had to be a mutual vision, a matched heartbeat, and dream held jointly. So I did what any good wife would do, I said, “It’s your call babe, you decide, no pressure!”

The beautiful thing was that God had already been speaking to him to about all of this, and our vision did match, we would choose faith over fear, together. Within minutes, the words, “Let’s do it” were out of his mouth.

We had such a sweet time of crying and laughing and sharing all our thoughts and fears that weekend, and peace began to wrap around us in avery tangible way.

The thing no one tells you is that when you decide to adopt, to begin the process, your decision quickly goes from excitement about saying yes, to recommitting yourself to that decision every day single day. Sorting though all of the possible ways that we could pursue adoption, as well as the overwhelming process of phone calls, emails, inquiries, and paperwork, felt daunting.

We looked into agencies, many of which charge thousands dollars to help pair you with a expectant mother, looking to place her child in a family. Although I believe this is certainly a viable option for many people, we just could not come to terms with it. 

As we grappled with how we were doing to make this happen, our friends Mark and Kelly mentioned foster care.

Foster care, saying yes to a child in our community who needs a safe, loving home, often in an emergency situation.

Our first thought was, You mean that program where you have a child for months before you find out if your going to keep them?  Ha. It was an easy no for us.

Nope, no way, not for us. We couldn’t imagine loving a child and then risk giving them back. We wanted to adopt, not set ourselves up for heartbreak.

But then we sat with the idea of it, and read through testimonies of other families just like us who had fostered, and often, who had adopted out of the system.

And a reoccurring message kept settling in our hearts, If we said no out of fear that our hearts would be broken, and others did the same, who would show up for these children?

And furthermore, perhaps what these children need more then anything in the world is to have someone risk their own heartbreak to show them what love looks like.

And just like that, all of our fears about how it could be difficult for us, became overwhelmed with the knowledge that these children need families like ours, who are so ordinary, but also willing to love them, whether it is for a week or a year, or a lifetime together.

And so we began the process of becoming certified for foster care. 

What once felt like the most uncomfortable of options for our family, now feels like it was the plan all along. A passion for standing in the gap for these children, has been fanned into flame within us.

And I realize what we are saying yes to is not just a yes for the five of us, but a yes from each of you, our dear friends and family. We are asking you to say yes to extra presents under the Christmas tree and to say yes to another seat at the table, and to say yes to a family photo where we don’t quite all match one another.

But we know we are not asking in futility, we are asking in confidence that each one of you already has the love within you that this child or children will need. I know this because you have already loved and supported us so well over the years. I know this because you are here tonight.

If I were asked to find a word that would define the last six months, I would say, Surrender.

Jesus says, “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

In our world today, I think these words could translate to

Whoever wants to hold tight to the things of this earth, wether it’s our homes, our wealth, our children looking or acting a certain way; when we hold too tightly, we are missing out on the very things he has for us. But when we lay them down in surrender, when we make them willing to be used for something greater, there we find our life.

And so with that, what I want to ask you to do for us and with us, is surrender. Surrender the unknowns of our story and our future, surrender the ways that this may be hard at times, surrender the pre-conceived notions you may hold about the system and the children in it, because taking a posture of surrender is where we find ourselves right now, on the brink of this new chapter. Not a stance of weakness or defeat but one of humility that we are willingly embracing.

We are beyond excited to see what these coming months hold,and we are eternally grateful for you all, thank you from the bottom of our hearts for being with us in this journey.